These passages are excerpted from my journals. I am in the process of constructing together a book derived from twenty years of journal writings. I envision my works as a column; my inner me who listens to me honestly and with out judgment. I love living and I love God, and I consider myself to be one of his most loving yet disobedient children.Dear Aver. (the Truth) is my truth.
Eaves Dropping On My Heart
12:47PM
Jan. 8, 1999
Dear Aver,
Here is the thing, I am pregnant! I have never felt so needy and vulnerable during this moment in my life. Everything he says to me sounds good. I need constant reassurance, (he looks at me and snarls with desire,) self-esteem slipping, (he whispers to me how lucky he is to have a smart woman) makeover needed, hairdo not right, (I awaken to his stare saying how beautiful I am when I sleep.) I’m trying not to miss him. I’m trying not to need him or want him. I carry a part of him with me at all times. I am carrying the best part of both of us. I will not allow this child to be a bonding tool.
Michael comes with a 12-pack of problems; most in green garbage bags, some in yellow, blue, green, big, small, compacted, and compressed. That man has baggage of all kind. “He can’t handle luggage like me!” He says I inspire him to reach for things, work hard, take giant steps, go upward.
Well, ladies- I’m here to tell you. It sounded so good, while staring up and bearing down on glistening sweaty shoulders, held up mightily by a six-pack abdomen and tight muscular breastplates-looking like he was outfitted by Adonis.
God, have you sent Michael? Michael,who has forever altered my life, for the better. God, “What path will I be thrust upon today? And, when will the paths be paved?”
9:38PM
Feb. 3, 1999
Dear Aver,
My baby’s father, is not prevalent in my thoughts for the future. I keep saying to myself I gotta try to love this guy. I am a Gemini, when it comes to grown folks, patience is not a virtue nor an attribute of my character. But I am trying hard to see what time will bring. {He’s got 6 months)
11:10AM
April 19, 1999
Dear Aver,
The only house Michael has worked in is the Big House. I guess my biggest concern is can he be the husband for me and a father with strong values for Taylor? When we met I asked him can he be my “Boy Toy”, that I wanted someone to play with. I of all people know that toys seem exciting when they are new, but the novelty of them wears off after the first few days.
So how the hell did I get here? “How did he get here?”
